For example, I hear a lot in schools that they use a lot of positive behavior, intervention type things. They'll give a child a card that has behaviors and they'll put X on and when they get so many X’s, they get a treat or a prize or if it's at home, like you didn't hit your sibling or things, then you get to choose the desert or the movie or you get this bribe, you get extra time on the video games, right? So they end up bribing our children to change their behaviors, and for some children, their behaviors will change.

Actually, temporarily, as they get older, they're gonna want more. They're gonna see what else they can get from us if they're going to do something as an adult. As they become a young adult, these are the people who instead of donating to whatever store that you guys have, goodwill or dessert Industries or any of the many others, these are the children who will think about what's in it for them. They'll get this attitude of doing as little as possible to get as much as possible.

“I can help this older teacher pull her wagon of materials into the classroom, but do I get a candy bar for that? Do I get a piece of candy for that?” When we want to change behaviors, it's not going to be about bribing or punishing. We give a punishment, which is just the flip side of a reward, because a lack of reward is a punishment. Children don't always say they earned more video game time, it's mom didn't give me that video game time, or they took that away from me. And so we kind of miss the point. When it comes to changing behaviors.

So here's the thing I've been talking about for a little bit, but I really wanted to talk about this reward or punishment kind of thing. Let's get into actually changing the behaviors, and for that example, we're gonna use a school setting for this. OK, There are children there playing ball, and you will often see children who are more sports oriented, team oriented, social oriented, kiddos playing. They will often not pass the ball as much or participate or have children who are less of an ability or more social awkwardness. They'll often either not allow them to play, or not pass them the ball, or do things like that as often with them.

A student who is that socially awkward or that less inclined person that still wants to play the run in and they will grab the ball. Other things are going on that we don't notice anything. It can become physical in this case, a child chase down the one that was holding the ball and taking it from him and the child who had the ball ended up hitting the child that took the ball and then that child, when they went in to see the administrators at the school, it end up losing a recess and some things like that and then having consequences, which ends up being kind of like a punishment because he lost a recess. So how can we change those behaviors? And again, it's not like changing the behaviors, it's by changing the framework that supports those behaviors.

There's frameworks around all behaviors, and so if we're focused on the behavior then we miss working on the framework. That framework is those thoughts, those beliefs, those fears that support having that behavior. If we change it, the only way I'm going to get a ball is if I take it. She took my ball. I need to um. I have that fear now, and so I'm gonna act out by hitting so soft. It changed the framework if we want the behavior itself to change and taking away a recess and saying, you just don't get to play tomorrow or for the week doesn't change the framework. It can cause a child to become more fearful, or more angry, or more supportive in that framework that supports the behaviors.

We can change behaviors because they get something or fear of losing something. But it doesn't change the internal behavior, doesn't raise our kids to their greatness. And so if this kind of thing happens, what would it be like if we go up to that child and that was hitting? And you know whether you hit or not. I still love you. What if we start there? And it doesn't mean they don't have consequences. Let's say they still lose that recess. Well, what if instead of losing that recess, we let him know how much we love them and that? It is for them to be happy, and we know that,if they're hitting people, then they're not happy.

What we want to do is we want to practice, so let's say they do lose that recess or instead of losing that recess, we give them that opportunity to observe, to learn. To practice being safe.

 And so while they're sitting now, maybe we're sitting where they're playing ball and we can, you know, observe with them and notice, like, oh, when they throw the basketball, the person who gets the rebound gets it, and then they. Go up and pass it to friends or they dribble it and they're trying to put it back in the basket and then in the rebound you can get it again and take a look at their faces. Are they having fun? Are they being serious? Are they working on a skill? What would that look like for you? What if we're changing that framework and we're helping them see how they could, for themselves, be able to get the ball to see for themselves how it interacts with those, and then also that? Other child took the ball from them. What if we're helping them see? Well, how can we include this person in a way that works for everyone, right? What would it feel like if we never gave you a chance to develop, to develop a skill?

When we kind of focus on that framework, their thoughts, their beliefs that support the behavior, we're more likely to have those behaviors turn and change into a way that allows our children to rise their to their greatness. Remember children are great by their very nature and we have that privilege and opportunity to raise them.