I found out much later, in searching for things for myself and my own children, that there are six psychological needs. Again, power is not a psychological need. Attention is not a psychological need. These are tools that will sometimes help you meet the psychological needs. So, let's talk about the psychological needs. This will just be a super quick overview. You could go into each psychological need super deep, but today's just going to be a quick overview.
The first one is certainty. We need to know that there's safety, that we're sure of certain things. We're sure the sun will come up in the morning. That's a certainty. Or, it's not worth going to work unless there's some kind of certainty that I'm going to get paid. So, there's this need for certainty, safety, or comfort. Those are other words that kind of fall under that category.
The second need is the opposite: we have certainty, we need to know that these things are stable and safe. Then we have uncertainty. Another word you might use for uncertainty is variety. In our life we want variety. Why do people go on vacation? Why are we excited to have holidays? It's not just because we get things and yummy food and stuff. It's because it's a change. It's different. We get a little variety in our lives.
There's people who like to eat the same food, you know, and that meets their need of certainty. They eat these five same foods, and that meets that need of certainty for them. But then there's other people where that's too much certainty. I want some variety in my life. I like to try new foods. I like to do all of those things. That variety, or that uncertainty, is another need we have. We have both of these needs, they're just opposites. They're a juxtaposition of each other, but we need both in our lives.
The third need is love. Love is a huge one, but it's so hard to meet. Sometimes, we don't know how to meet it, and then we settle for connection. For example, when that student was poking me in the face, that's a physical connection, but it's also an emotional connection in an unbeneficial way. If you have children that fight, or things like that, you'll find that, while behaviors have multiple needs, often you'll find that connection or love is one of them. If I can't figure out how to feel that unconditional love, I will settle for connection. Sometimes physical aggression is one way that children can meet that need for connection.
So far, we have certainty, uncertainty, and love or connection. The next need is significance: am I significant to someone? Do I make a difference? Is there something unique? That's another word we could use instead of significance. Am I unique? Do we fill our individuality? Because of that individuality, we have something important or special about us that makes us, us, and significant to other people because of that uniqueness. Sometimes it’s not exactly because of that uniqueness, but that we feel unique, and that is significance. You'll find, too, if one child pounds on another child, they're having that connection; but also, the other child feels significant in their life. That's an unbeneficial way to meet that significance.
The next one, growth, is a higher level. Even love and connection, as far as energy goes, is lower than growth. Sometimes, people who are depressed or bored, or things like this, what they really feel is stuck. When you feel stuck, it's often because of that absence of growth. Sometimes we'll feel the opposite direction for some of these needs. If we're feeling stuck, that's because we're not meeting that need of growth. You can have growth in one area, but not another.
These needs cover all areas of our life. So there's no simple, okay, I've met this need or this is the one psychological need, these all interact together. It can be tricky to figure out what it is that my child needs. What the need is that they're trying to meet, so that we can help them find it in a more beneficial way.
Before we get onto that, let's talk about the last psychological need, and that is contribution. Some people may wonder what the difference is between contribution and significance or uniqueness. Significance is a little more about me, what I feel, and that I am different. Contribution is more about contributing or growing society, rather than self. Significance is more about me, where contribution is more about others. That's just one way they're different, but that's the one I'll mention today.
That is a really quick overview of the six psychological needs. I first heard this from Tony Robbins, and then I've heard it from a lot of places. I'm not sure if he started it, or where it began, but as I've looked at this and looked at how it plays in my life and in my classroom and in my family, I’ve learned that there's something real to this. We will continue talking about this as we go forward. Thank you for being on this journey with me.
Children are great by their very natures, and we do have that responsibility and that privilege to teach them. If you would like to get in contact with me, feel free to visit my website at www.raisinggreatkids.net.
