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CYNTHIA ARMSTRONG

Four Group of Parents that Raise Great Kids

By Cynthia Armstrong

Today, I will talk about four groups of parents that raise great kids. Which one do you hang out in most often?

The first group is parents of children who can't see their own greatness. The children have anxiety, depression, or they may self-harm. These children are avoiders. They will play video games, or read books, or watch TV, or just zone out on social media, to the point that it takes them out of balance. There's nothing wrong with TV or video games or social media, but it's when our children get involved to the point that they zone out or they're missing out on a lot of life, that it becomes a struggle. These are the children who can't really see their own greatness. As parents, of course, we want them to see that. How can we help them?

The second group of parents are those who have trouble seeing their child's greatness. Now these might be children that have some extreme behaviors. They might throw tantrums; and yes, tantrums can happen at any age. The tantrum that your toddler will throw will look a little different than the tantrum your teenager will throw, but they are still throwing tantrums. They might be children who bully other people, or they might do a lot of back-talking. These are children who may not put in any effort. They just kind of hang out and they're not working for grades or going out and living life, doing things. These could be children who are low school performers, and this can sometimes make it difficult for parents to see their greatness.

This has a lot to do with our own personal beliefs, and also the culture or the belief system around us that we grew up in. We might feel pressure from those beliefs that make us believe our children need to be a certain way. When they don't meet that, we might have trouble seeing our child's greatness.

Let's move on to the third group. These are parents who can see their child's greatness, but they're suffering from their own personal stuff. They might have experienced abuse or trauma as children. They might have a poor relationship with their spouse or their own parents, and so their thoughts are involved in these issues. Anything that can drain a parent so that they have less to give puts them in this category.

I mean, our children are great. We know they're great, but there's something stopping us from being fully involved with our children to continue to help them see their greatness, to help them develop. And often that's because as parents, we are lacking something ourselves. Let me give an example of what this might look like. There was a person who contacted me and their child's energy and exuberance in the morning really annoyed them. They are not a morning person and it would get to the point where they were super irritated or even angry with their child, “when she's doing nothing wrong, she's just going through the day full of energy.”

I admit that this is the group that I hung out in most. For me, I was very involved in trying to understand my relationship with my husband, because things weren't so great between us at the time. There's a whole story about that later, but I was so involved in trying to get things to work out or figure how to continue forward that I was not as present for my children. I noticed less of what was happening with them, less of how I could help. I was very much involved in thinking about the struggles my husband and I were having.

The fourth group are those parents who are in what I call a free state. They accept who they are. They accept all the stuff that's come before: they accept their children, that this is where they're at, and that they still have that greatness in them through whatever else is going on. They know that this is just the path their child's taking to be able to achieve that full greatness and to see it for their child to be able to see it for themselves. They're not spiraling in unresolved personal stuff. They are just open: open to life, open to their children. And even though there's problems, because there's always struggles and challenges, they approach those with that open attitude. And this is kind of that fourth group that we're all wanting to hang out in a little bit more.

All of us hang out in each of these groups. There's just one we tend to hang out in a little bit more than others. Are you in that first group, where you can see the greatness in your child but can’t see how to help your child that's dealing with anxiety or depression or those things that stop them from seeing their own greatness? Are you in the second group, dealing with those behaviors from your child that leave you asking, where's the greatness in this? How do I see it so that I can help them see it? Are you in that third group, just so involved in your own challenges, that you are less available to your children in parenting and helping them to see, and continue to see, their greatness?

That's one of the challenges we have. Even if we see our child's greatness, one moment we can fall back and lose sight of it. Even if we help our child see their greatness, there will be days or times or things that kind of set them back for a moment. It’s important to not give up, to continue to work.

That's what we'll be discussing as we move forward: those tools, those techniques, and the science behind some of these questions. Why can't we see our child's greatness? Why can't our child see their greatness? How can we see it, and become focused on it, so that we can help ourselves and help our children and just be able to raise great kids? Because all children are great. It is up to us to see that greatness.