Now, really think about that language and what message it is conveying on the surface and underneath. It is a common saying that words have power. What I've come to realize is that there's even greater power in how we put words together. Let's re-look at what people might say when they are in victim mode. It is hard. It is a tragedy. It is unbelievable. It is unacceptable. Things along those lines. What feelings do these statements convey? These statements are absolutes. “It is” gives a feeling of loss without a way of moving forward. If it is unacceptable, then how do we find acceptance and peace? If it is unbelievable, how do we process this? If it is a tragedy, how does that help us? And if it is hard, where do we go from here? These words make us victims, and we are powerless in these absolutes. Yet these are the words that we choose. So in essence, we are choosing to be victims when we use these words; not consciously, but unconsciously from the automatic word choices we make.

So if we find ourselves or our children in this victim mode, we can consciously change our words. And what does that look like, or sound like? Let's start by taking out the absolutes. Instead of “it is hard,” replace it with “it feels hard.” This is a simple change, but our mind knows that our feelings change all the time. And if we want to give it even a little bit more, we can add a time statement to it: “it feels hard right now,” so that we can even solidify that this is going to change. You can change “it's a tragedy” to “it seems like a tragedy.” “Seems” is not an absolute. It implies that there is something more we aren't seeing right now, that there might be more to the story than we know. At a higher level, when you're ready for that, we can train our brain to notice the good that comes out of even the most difficult situations. That is a topic for a later time.

I want you to understand that words can open us to learning. We can be more specific. That is not something I would choose to do. Being more specific keeps us from being overwhelmed by overgeneralized statements. If we replace “it's unacceptable” with “life isn't fair,” or if you're ready for a higher step, you can add “life isn't fair by my definition of fair.” When we spend our energy fighting what was, it keeps us from being present and being able to act in a meaningful way. We can feel stuck trying to change those things we have no control over.

Words have power. Are you using your words consciously or unconsciously?