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CYNTHIA ARMSTRONG

The Power of Words in Raising Great Kids (Part 2)

By Cynthia Armstrong

Today, we're going to do part two of the power of words in raising great kids.

Last time we talked about how statements can kind of put us in a victim mentality, even without us realizing it. To kind of help with that, use open rather than absolute statements. Remember, there is no way to know everything about a situation or about a person. So use words that allow for further learning and understanding. Then also be specific or another way to say it is accurate, or even honest with ourselves. Sometimes we'll use generalities or make blanket statements. And then we kind of accept that as the truth, and we don't realize that we're leaving like a whole bunch out.

Another thing to remember is, why are words important? Why is this important for us to know or understand when it comes to raising great kids? Think about how children learn to respond to a difficult situation or even a difficult person. They learn it from us. They see us, they look at our reactions or how we respond, and they also have a feel for our energy. What is the energy that we put out in response to those situations? They learn that from us. And so it's really important that we are aware of our words, and our words kind of lead to that energy that we put out, or you can decide which way it goes, the chicken or the egg. But they do relate to each other.

Being aware of our energy, being aware of our words, will allow us to effectively teach our children what we really want them to learn rather than subconsciously teaching them things that we don't. Remember, if a child responds in a way that you don't like, that children are kind of like our mirrors, so what did we do or say, or what did we put out, that caused them to learn that way to respond?

Last time, again, it was how we used kind of those statements to put us, ourselves or we can see our children when they're in that victim mentality. Today, we want to talk about kind of like another response people have.

Another response besides like statements that kind of lead to that victim or that empowerment, is how people can go into a reactive mode. These are often the people that you'll see as angry and they blame others and they want what they feel is justice but there's a lot of this anger behind that, and they might be willing to blame the politicians, the government, the gun sellers, their spouse, the society at large, and so on. There's lots of blaming that goes on when they get into a reactive mode like that. And they might say things like “What's wrong with kids these days?” or “What is the world coming to?” or “How can the government allow things like this to keep happening?”

Consider the tone and the purpose of these questions. Do these questions lend themselves to finding answers? No, they do not. Now these words might be formed in a question style, but if you really look at the essence, it's just a statement of accusation that's disguised as a question, and they do not help us find answers or solutions or really to even move forward.

So how do we ask real questions? The first thing is to kind of check our motive. Am I truly trying to understand, am I truly trying to find answers or am I just complaining and accusing and not really seeking an honest answer. Instead of saying, “What's wrong with kids these days?” we might ask something like, “What support would these children benefit from?” Or we might say, “It's the parents' fault.” So then we can say, “What support might their parents benefit from?” Instead of focusing on accusations about things we can't control, like “What is the world coming to?” try something like, “Who can I make a difference to today?”

So instead of being powerless and at the sway of the world, we take back our power with that question. We might not be able to wave our magic wand and create the world that we want, but we can purposefully make a difference to another. I'm reminded of the book Dinotopia, (it's been made into a movie and cartoons and all that). One of their things is “One raindrop raises the sea.” We make a difference. Each action we make, makes a difference. There's another one (I don't remember it and I didn't look it up) about a butterfly that flaps its wings. And because that butterfly flaps its wings, all this time later, this big thing happens. And that's us, right? Every time we purposefully make an action to make a difference to someone, we are creating a chain of reactions that will lead to something we couldn't even really imagine, like how great we'll be.

Another question that can be real, based on our focus, might be, “What have I learned from this experience?” Some answers to that question that may not be really honest are “I'm a terrible person,” or “The world is unsafe.” If we go down that negative road that leads to those feelings that we don't really want, then we're not really answering that question in an honest or beneficial way. We're kind of limited. So that's why that question can be real based on our intent behind it.

Another way you could possibly ask that question is “How am I strengthened by what has happened?” When I look back at my life, there have been things that I have considered traumatic, and in the moment, I thought, “I don't understand, why is this happening?” And I was in a very non-helpful place, but then as time continued, I can look back and see how much who I am came from those experiences and those situations. What a blessing they ended up being in my life. And so, when I have experiences that happen now, that can be difficult for me, I can just automatically see and understand, that even though I don't know what it is, something good is going to come out of this. Something that benefits me is going to come out of this. And that is a choice that I make by the questions that I ask. How powerful would that be for our children, that whatever happens to them, they can find that strength through that understanding in themselves? What an amazing thing, what an amazing gift; and that is the power of words.

In conclusion, let's quickly review some of the things that we learned. Ask questions with a genuine intent to learn, discover, and understand. Ask questions that empower us, the questions that focus on our purpose, that focus on those things that we do have and that we can do, rather than those questions that lead us to what we don't have and what we can't do. Ask questions that help us see our growth and our development.

All children are great by their very nature, and we have that privilege and that responsibility to raise them. So thank you for being on this journey with me, as we learn and grow together.