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CYNTHIA ARMSTRONG

When Gratitude Becomes Manipulation

By Cynthia Armstrong

Today, I want to talk about when gratitude becomes a manipulation. The things I talk about are those things that I’ve studied, researched, I’ve applied, and I found what works in helping with some of the struggles I was having in my life in my children and my students. One of the things that I've noticed is sometimes I would try something at school, and I’d go... Wow! that worked well, I’m going to try that at home! Oftentimes, it would work well at home as well but not always because they are very different situations and then sometimes I would try things at home and if that’s what we benefit this child or this situation at school and so it goes both ways the things that I’ve practiced and I’ve learned and I’ve applied and today, when I first notice that gratitude becoming manipulation was at school and it was taught us as teachers as a beneficial way to get children to behave or to follow our directions and so instantly, that truly becomes a manipulation.

It’s not for the benefit of the child, it’s for the benefit of the teacher that we want them to behave and follow directions and be exactly this way which would be awesome if we just want our children to work in factories and not be independent because that is what schools do. That’s the direction they teach. The public education schools.

So, we were taught as teachers, if Sarah sits crisscross on the carpet, and says thank you, Sarah, or I love Sarah sitting crisscross on the carpet. And we would say this aloud because we want other kids to hear they’ll have this idea that they should do the same, so it gives them that praise too. Its kind becomes that case when we're doing it to get other kids' attention and get them to follow the direction and that becomes a manipulation. And one of the side effects of that kind of manipulation is a condition of love. They're just becoming aware of what we're seeing. At the intensity, and purposes behind saying that. So, if Sarah has been struggling, say crisscross on the carpet when the teacher asks and I go over and I just quietly tell her Sarah thanks for coming and sitting, crisscross on the carpet. That helps me to know that you're ready for whatever activity or that I can tell you're ready to learn and so.

It's not about the words, it's about our intentions, and it's about having that deeper view as to what will this lead to for my child. You know how might this affect my child right now, but also you know as they become older, do they become dependent on that or is this a way to teach and to show that appreciation? And so that was a lot about school, but that can happen too at home. If we have more than one child, we might say something to one child that another child can overhear, which isn't expressing true deep gratitude to the child we were thinking, but a way to manipulate the other child, and the same long view can happen for the home. Does our child become dependent on our external verbal reward so that they don't feel like, “oh, I did a good job” or “I can feel good about myself even when mom doesn't tell me to thank you” or even when “Dad doesn't say XYZ?” You know, I appreciate whatever.

Truly consider the intensity and the purposes. the energy that we say things with and then again really do your best to take a deep view one way that helps to take a deep value is how did you feel when people did that to you? Do you know? Did you feel, yeah, I felt good so I'm going to do it to somebody else? But then when I didn't get that, when I lost that as I got older, then I felt that I'm missing something and I'm not as good and I’m losing some of my self-esteem because I’m using it off others, I have a teacher that shares my room of this year and that, you know how are we going to manage behaviors in her classroom this year? What are some things we can have in place for that? She was telling her daughter who happens to be an adult now, and her daughter was saying, don't use the clip down that destroyed my self-esteem. She was a happy child. A laugh and bubbly child you know, and her teacher would always go put the clip down to the I'm not listening or you're struggling to listen because she had that joy and that bubbliness in her and it really kind of caused a little bit of that self-harm as a child that inside that she wasn't that allowed. You are not supposed to be that happy. You're not supposed to find humor in anything.

That was hard on her, so when we take the perspective of us as an adult and kind of apply that to like, when we were children to help us kind of see some of the Longview or if we read books or hear other people stories like this that can help us to take the long view, then it can help to know is my gratitude true gratitude and am I expressing this with that unconditional love and truly expressing my gratitude or am I manipulating these people around the person I’m talking to or am I trying to manipulate this child into doing more for me so that they can get more of that gratitude, which again in a long view can lead to dependence on those external rewards, which can cause all kinds of problems.

It is so vital that we look at our motives and do our best to continually try to see that deep view as to where it leads for our children. So, remember children are great by their very natures and we have that privilege and that responsibility to raise them.