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CYNTHIA ARMSTRONG

Changes That Last

By Cynthia Armstrong

Today I'm going to talk about how changes that matter last. Now change is difficult. We hear that all the time. Change is difficult; It's so hard to change. I'm too old to change. I'm too set in my ways to change. If we don't apply it to ourselves, then we apply it to others, which in return, it applies back to ourselves. If we want change to last, it needs to matter. I know it's important that this isn't a knowledge thing that makes a change lasting. It is a feeling thing. When we feel it, believe it, and take that in as part of ourselves, then it changes our brain, its thought patterns, and what it's seeking.

We might all know some people believe we should yell at our kids. So I won't say all people. Some people believe they will. How else are they going to learn? That's where they're at. As an example, let's say all of us listening to this are people who believe there are better ways than yelling at our kids to help them change. We know we could benefit from changing ourselves by not yelling at our kids. The thing is, we feel some of these deficits in our own psychological needs. We bring up some of our fears about being unable to meet those.

Even though we said we wouldn't do it before, even though 10 minutes, 5 minutes, and a minute after we yell, we're going to be feeling bad and getting down on ourselves. Why did I do that again? It's my child that is ever going to forgive. When you love me, trust me, and we might go into any of those things. But we keep doing it. Maybe we hold off a little longer, and things build up a little more than we do it again and we feel so bad about all these things.

Why do my children keep ticking me off? Things don't change in a way that matters internally to us, so the change doesn't stick. We can hold on without fingernails, teeth, or toenails for a while, but then if we go back to it, that's because changes that matter last. What matters to our brain, which we've discussed before, is getting its neurochemical rewards. If we yell at our kids, it gets us to release neurochemicals there, making us feel we can't meet some of those psychological needs. Some consciously on her own, which is why we're about to yell in the first place that can give us some of those neurochemicals, all that guilt and the reprimand, or even if it's righteous indignation.

How dare my child, whichever way we go, release neurochemical rewards into our brain, so it's not about just knowing in our heads. That's it. There are better ways than yelling at our kids. It's not just finding out with some of those better ways because If we're not going to yell, then obviously we need to do something. What's that going to be? And so it's not just filling your head with knowledge of things we could do. I get that a lot. Tell me exactly what to say in this situation.

What are the magic words to make my kids XYZ? And it's not about knowledge; it's about being in that place where we can learn, notice, and grow. We have everything we need. All the knowledge that we need truly is inside of us. But it's the bringing it out, the discovering of the rediscovery of it, of learning how to access that, that will bring that lasting change. That is how we will get a different neurochemical reward because you can’t just say you shouldn't do this so the brain shouldn't do this. Our brains might say that you're telling me not to do that but I want my neurochemical rewards, this is how I know I will get it so I'm going to self-sabotage.

I will come up with all these subconscious things because I want my reward. This is the challenging part, right? We get to reward our brain when it does what we want it to.We do that by bringing up joy and that feeling of love, growth, and achievement. That's a celebration of all those happy feelings. Even if we break down and we yell at our kids, we celebrate because that's what's going to happen.

How did this not happen? In the long term, in the long run, forever and ever. It's not that we're celebrating that we yelled at the kids. We find a reason to celebrate. I might have yelled at him just as much as ever, but I noticed when you yell at them, and there was this part of me that was going to celebrate even while I was yelling at my kids or after I yielded to the kids, I noticed it was because I felt threatened and feared other people would look at me because of the way how negatively my children behaved. The most important thing, it doesn't matter how you celebrate, but it's that bringing up those feelings of celebration that our brain gets rewarded.

These rewards might actually serve me better than others because of those other ones, I know I will get that reward, but this is like an even greater reward, and it meets more of my needs. As we celebrate even those little list things, noticing sooner afterward, being able to notice like a third person being able to let our children know what we are willing to say.

There are better ways than me yelling at you, and I'm still learning to be celebrating any little stuff that will reward our brain in such a way that it's willing to make those changes last. If it does come up, even after we've done it while if we fall back a little bit, we're going to celebrate it and we have that opportunity to remember. I like rewards this other way, which is how it matters to our brain, making those changes lasting and possible, and so I encourage you to look at that and let go of some of the guilt but go of some of those things that are just a reward for our brain and don't help us make permanent changes. And remember, children are great by their very nature, and we have that privilege and that responsibility to raise them.