So think about when you've lost it with your kiddo before with your child. If you think about it, it really wasn't your child's behavior. Was the reason you lost it, right? Look inside what was really happening inside at the time and you will find an internal conflict.

Now, we might tell ourselves, oh, you know, I know I shouldn't yell at my child or, you know, maybe even hit my child, or I shouldn't just get so upset I have to leave the room with my child. We might tell ourselves that, but then we have this internal conflict. With oh, but they shouldn't mind me. They should follow the rules. They should behave in such a way that I'm not worried about what the neighbors are thinking, or the teachers, or the stranger on the street. I shouldn't be bothered by being worried about what they're thinking of me. And so we have this conflict inside ourselves of how we want to parent and then our internal fears of not meeting and need and it's the same thing for our children.

They might have a different way of thinking about things or different needs they are trying to meet, but it all comes down to that same internal thing, and so let's quickly. Just review those basic psychological needs that we have and children have these two because children are people too. And so the basic need is for certainty that safety or comfort that all falls. Under certainty as well as control, that's a big one too. We were certain that we're in control. And so that's the first one. The second one is almost like the opposite. We need some uncertainty in our life. And another way to think of that, another way to describe that is variety. We want variety in our lives. The third one is love. We want unconditional love, but if we feel like we can't get that, love will often settle for connection. Whether that’s a healthy connection or our child's getting in a lot of trouble because we connect with them when we tell them off or when we're grumpy with them. That is a type of connection that children might use to get that need or that we might use as adults as well. And then the fourth one is unique, that we're unique in the world, that there's something special about us that that nobody else has that makes me unique and not this one is growth if we don't feel like it. We're growing with Phil stuck, and I hear that a lot. I just feel stuck, the same things happening over and over again, and I just feel stuck. And that's because we're lacking that feeling of growth. Times 'cause lots of needs can be high that fit into an action. Then that last one is a contribution that we feel like we contribute to those around us, that we contribute to society. 

If we are looking for the internal conflict our child is having, then we're not just gonna come in and enforce rules 'cause if our job is just to enforce rules. Then our children are not learning in a gross way. They're learning to be controlled, to be limited, to fill down on themselves. We want to go in with these behaviors in a way that is growth-oriented and not just rural enforcement. We could do that by digging in what's going on and we're not gonna dig in a forceful way. We're going to come in. In a soft way, because that helps children feel unconditional love that even when they're at their worst, we still love them. And so if we can go here and in that calm manner. And, you know, just do a little light probing, maybe ask some questions if there is a space to do that, if our child is in full meltdown, if they're chucking chairs or destroying things or they're in that really deep tantrum. Don't go in and ask them questions. You want to first, you know, acknowledge feelings and acknowledge that they might need a moment. Say, oh, you know, this is something we need that I would avoid the word need because that's that's a little more forceful. This is something. That will have an opportunity to talk about. I see right now may not be the best moment or something like that. We want to come in with something that's soft.

Gives space for their emotion and knowledge, Minton of their emotion. Wow. I can see you're really struggling right now. This is something that must be really important to you, and I would love to hear about it. How about we all take a minute and. You know, to breathe and then we can come back and talk about it or. It doesn't even have to be in a minute, it could be that evening. Sometimes children need a long or space to be able to fully deescalate 'cause. Even once there bodies are calm, their emotions are not always comment. It can be easy to bring them up again. So this is an individual thing per child, something to be aware of and that you're gonna go in and investigate. So we're gonna ask questions and why did you do that is not really going to give us the information that we need. And can be very accusatory and bring defenses up at children. So especially in younger children who are not able to think about thinking and they're just going off of habits and instinct and programs that were sent earlier, they're not going to know. Why? And so we want to ask, you know what questions or how questions, especially in the younger. And as children get older than we could begin to ask why. But we're gonna ask things like why do you think that happened? Not.

Why did that happen or why did you do that? But just why do you think, what is something that might be behind that? And that's just like we're here. We're here to listen. We love you even when you're at your worst. And so we're going to investigate, softly and gently and with unconditional love. Done. When we do that, that doesn't mean there's no consequences, that they don't get to practice being kind to their siblings, that they might have been harassing or harming, that they don't need to clean up a mess they made if they were destroyed, something they still will have. The responsibility for their actions. But we love them no matter what, and we're coming in with that growth with the questioning to help them grow, to help them discover, to help us discover, so that we can help them in helping them to learn, to meet those psychological issues. So remember, children are great by their very nature's, and we have that privilege and responsibility of teaching them and raising them.