Learning about parenting. I see this all the time when I'm talking to someone in my church group, when I'm talking to groups of parents out in the world, and when I'm talking with parents at parent teacher conferences. I see this everywhere and I am all right, I was the guilty party of this. I was trained very early about needing to have good grades, about needing to have the answers, that it's not OK to have the wrong answers and I ended up as a child learning how to kind of make up answers or lie in just a little bit of a way so that I wouldn't get in trouble and so I'd be perceived by my parents as the person they wanted to see and it took me becoming a teacher and looking at now, why is this child not learning as fast as other children? Why is this child struggling with just this one part and not the others? I'm really looking at myself as a teacher to realize I was never taught how to teach learning. That I wasn't taught how to get children to ask questions.
It's all about getting them to answer the questions, to do well on the test. Have any of you thought to stop the teacher from talking and just want to tell you directly what you need to know for the test? I know sometimes I would get that way especially after a long day or a long week or there's external things happening to sit in class. It just gives me what I need to know for the test. I don't even have to remember it after the test. So I see it across a lot of the people I work with. I am putting it out there in case this is you, because this is a huge thing for you to notice and to become aware of. This will open up new possibilities for us when we become aware.
This concept in schools, and I think we've been in schools for multiple generations, so it becomes part of our family like meeting to have the answers. Meaning to know what's the right thing to do. We're afraid of making mistakes. We're afraid of what actually leads to learning and as parents, you don’t want someone to be telling you how to be a parent and how you discipline your child. They pick up their patterns from us. I'm just telling you this is what my child's doing. What is it I need to say? What is it I need to do? Tell me specifically those things.
Don't bother telling me about how you can find answers and solutions that fit you and your child? I want to know the answer. And the problem with that is answers are very specific to a child or to a situation or to an age. And so if I'm saying for this particular 3 year old or 7 year old in this situation. That's all fine and it can help with that situation, but then your child grows up a little bit. They kind of bump up to that next developmental stage and those statements that the way we set it, the questions we asked our children, they no longer help in that situation. And so then we're back to needing somebody to tell me the answer.
What's the right thing to do for my child? When we understand the foundational concepts of learning to learn or learning to parent, then we have all the answers in us. And we know how to access it because every single one of us really has all of the answers inside of us. We have so much knowledge available to us, and even if it isn't like the specific thing inside of us, we know how to find it.
Out there without having someone to tell you the answer, you know how to find it and so we can help our child in any situation. We can help ourselves in any situation when we understand that foundational learning and when we know how to ask the questions and not just answer the questions.
When we look for those things that are universal, that can be applied in all situations and not just the specific answer to a situation. When you have that, it is so powerful. It is so amazing. The lightness that we feel. In life, problems are challenges. It's growth. This is a basic understanding and recognizing things. Am I a person who needs to have the right answer? Am I hesitant, afraid, concerned about making a mess of things because messes are so important?
Our children become afraid that they might have anxiety because they need to have the right answer in the situation. And if they're projecting into the future about not having that right answer, about maybe not knowing how to do something specifically the way the teacher wants that is specifically the way. What would that feel like? There's that anxiety, there's that fear, There's lots of different responses to that, but usually those responses are not beneficial. So take a look at how you perceive those challenges, those problems, your way to look for answers for those and then see your child. Because sometimes it's easier to see it in someone else. Whichever way is easier for you to notice, just see if this is something that applies to you. Is this something that applies to your child? So remember, children are great by their very natures. We have that privilege and that responsibility to raise them.
